messy and awake

it’s tuesday but it feels like monday and i’m a human but I feel like a mess.

I’ve been holding on when I need to let go. the concept of staying feels foreign and I have become best friends with leaving. life has felt loud when i am aching for silence – it has been asking me to be hard and strong when i am soft and fragile, to question things that i don’t have room in this giant, messy heart of mine to answer. so i sit here, feeling like the kid at the back of the high school dance watching their friends laughing and smiling and spinning around and simultaneously feeling like one of those friends. because sometimes your heart feels like a rock in a field of flowers. a sketch in a room of paintings. but maybe that’s worth celebrating sometimes – having the mere ability to feel heavy or incomplete and being awake enough in life to notice.

what a contradiction it is, being human.

even if it means baring the wind and the rain, I will always choose to set up camp in my mess. I never want to hide. we are here to be human – to be awake, and aware, and extremely messy. and we are all just stumbling our way home.

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